Grief Rituals: A Few Examples

Legend has it that the veil between the physical & spiritual realms becomes thin at this time of year and, in some traditions, prayers are said for departed souls. I've been thinking lately about how we say goodbye to loved ones. Doing a ritual feels very powerful to me. Here are a few examples, but it can be as simple as lighting a candle.

4 Things

This one is based on the book The Four Things That Matter Most by Ira Byock, MD, a leader in palliative care. Say or write or draw these to your loved one:

Please forgive me - what you want to be forgiven for
I forgive you - if there's anything you want to forgive them for
Thank you - what you're grateful to them for
I love you - you can also say "I release you" or "goodbye" or whatever feels right

You can do this individually or in a group. You can say them out loud or keep them private. You can burn them afterwards and scatter the ashes in the wind or water.

After my husband, Wes, passed away, my sister was explaining the concept of death to her son, who has autism. She told him that the sky is the same as heaven, and that Wes was in the sky now. She showed him a photo of Wes Lying in State, covered in flowers. Her son drew this picture. Spanish is his first language. He wrote "Wes is dead. He's not wearing a shirt or pants. Or underwear. Or shoes. Or socks."

photo of my mother surrounded by flowers and candles

Flowers & Candles & Prayers

I couldn't be with my mom as she was dying, so I did a simple vigil for her at home. I made a flower garland and put it around a photo of her surrounded by candles. I lit the candles, burned incense, and said prayers to bless her on the next phase of her soul journey.

I was a frequent dog sitter to my neighbor's dog, Mars. I loved him so much. Mars recently had to be put down after a long illness. I wasn't present when he transitioned so I did a ritual for him at home, similar to my mom's. I made a flower garland and put one of his tennis balls in the center :-)

Memorial Garden

I also planted a little garden in his memory. Mars was well known in the neighborhood and very popular. This garden provided a way for the neighbors to participate in his passing, too.

“To honor our grief, to grant it space and time in our frantic world, is to fulfill a covenant with soul—to welcome all that is, thereby granting room for our most authentic life.”
― Francis Weller, The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief.”

Resources

Visit my website for links to my books, prayers (nonreligious) and other resources.

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sheila@sheilahoover.com