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Who We Used To Be
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I really resonated with this beautiful quote about how we change throughout our lives, and how to hang in there with each other.
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“To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognize inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost.
But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness.”― Heidi Priebe
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Secondary Losses
The quote also made me reflect on "secondary losses" which often take people by surprise (including me!). When people experience a significant loss such as death, divorce, injury, etc., we tend to think of it in isolation, a singular event or "problem" to be overcome. But, in reality, significant loss often comes with ripple effects such as loss of identity, confidence, income, relationships, etc., which often go unacknowledged. Recognizing secondary losses can help to understand one's own grief more fully, and to better support others.
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We've all had moments where something pleasant or wonderful lifts us out of sadness or pain even for just a brief moment, like seeing a rainbow or sunrise, or feeling a close connection with a friend. I just learned that these moments have a name! A glimmer is the opposite of a trigger, so I think it's important that it also has a name. A glimmer might seem like a small thing but I think they're really powerful.
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When I was profoundly grieving, I practiced what I called "happiness therapy" where, when I experienced anything uplifting or beautiful, no matter how simple or short-lived, I would stop and breathe it in. These moments of relief from the otherwise constant heaviness of grief were so important. And now they have a name, I'm so excited!
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“Glimmers are moments of positivity we experience that can balance difficult situations or negative emotions. These small moments of positivity are healthy coping mechanisms that can give us hope.”
― Psychotherapist Deb Dana (who coined the term)
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Resources
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Visit my website for links to my books, prayers (nonreligious) and other resources.
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If you enjoyed this newsletter, please share it! If you aren't subscribed, stop by my website and sign up at sheilahoover.com
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